Dreaming Towards The Sunset

You can tell yourself you’re fine all day long . You can even BE fine all day long , removed from the heat of the scar you bare. However it all goes out the window when dreaming . I had the least productive sleep I’ve had in a long time last night . It was a cycle I couldn’t get out of but one thing is clear . Somethings still deeply bother me . The Dream has similar elements to other dreams I’ve had but this was different and very vivid. In my dream I was living in a huge house with my kids and my separated wife . Also living there was her new boyfriend , although it wasn’t really him. He was much uglier and fatter in my dream . Don’t get me wrong , I still scratch my head over her choice of boyfriend in real life , but this was exaggerated . My room was close to theirs, I would here them having sex at night and be powerless to do anything about it . I would go out on the large balcony that overlooked the sunrise . This element I’ve dreamed of before , standing on a large balcony several stories up, moved by my internal magic to levitate . The sounds of them having sex, knowing the kids were there , knowing in the dream I still had to live there, for the kids . I clenched my fist and levitated a few inches from the ground as I’ve done before . I wanted to tell SOMEONE that I could do this , but end up leaping from the balcony and soaring as if winged into the sunrise . Fully awakening my flying powers. It’s always the same tho, when I can fly in my dreams. No one cares . I know it’s a big deal, that others can’t fly or do what I’ve done , but still, no one cares . Intrenched in the madness of the moment I barge in on my separated wife and her lover to remind them both that she and I are still married . That I’ve waited long enough for their fling to fizzle out and I have to move away, it not being healthy for me to live with them , revolving in the far orbit of her life . Disregarded , unwanted even. I tried to tell her, desperately that I can fly now ! That I’m not only better than I was, but unique and special, a prize waiting just for her. The house lost power and I went into the kids room to hug them both deeply before returning to the balcony . I looked back at the house that I no longer recognized , deeply scarred and powerless to change another’s heart . At last I sighed and realized she would never come find me . I would return from time to time to see the children. But as I leapt from the balcony one last time towards the horizon I took stock of it all. I’ve gained the ability to fly, but it failed to impress the one who’s heart I wanted to reach . Maybe someday someone will see in me what I feel , or maybe I’ll just keep flying towards the sunset until it finally does.

Photographic Hearts

Travel farther than the world goes Cleansing fire, power it grows Particles explode Mass of chemicals The Symphony erodes Prepared to let it go Photographic hearts Tender at the start Love will make you grow Prepared to let it go Harmony it shows Every place you know You have to take it slow To see where it might go Particles explode Mass of chemicals The Symphony erodes Prepared to let it go

I call to you

I call to you . In my head I feel pulling towards the shared space where you once did reside . My world pulls to nothing . A thousand words , muted before even leaving my lips . Thoughts that take shape and rot in my mind, sometimes remaining to infect that place for weeks. I want the world to make sense . For all to coalesce in harmony , the hearts that were broken made a new . Sometimes it’s pull is too heavy. A burden my mind makes real, the physical toll drawn from the ether as if from some strange alchemy . Sometimes the clash is so overwhelming I need to physically temper the energy by exercising or playing music . When ones reality is at such odds with what one believes it’s strain can be difficult to bare. I believed you and I were FOREVER bonded . Family. It occurs to me now that the importance of this journey will be shown and that you are Not where I am on that journey , and that our paths may never again cross .That’s ok. My story is grand and already the winds of the universe conspire in my favor . Fate’s sweet whispering excites me for what is to come . I always knew I would have an adventure of a life ! I just pictured you by my side. I pledged an oath to do so, but as I have been relieved of that vow my words echo back . I call to you in my mind , years into the future . When we can again speak as family . When your heart forgives and your mind accepts the past . I have hope when we look down from the mountain upon the footsteps of our journey there will be grace and understanding.

The Blue Eyed Girl And The Walking T shirt

Other people’s paths are often easier to see than our own . We see such obvious posturing , such generic motions and their eventual outcomes . Painfully played out storyline, Woman finds man who flirts with her , flocks to his attention , he is so different from her husband . Poor taste in music, smokes cigarettes ,METHOL no less. No motivation or aspirations . The complete opposite of her husband . But, he flirts with her and she allows it and reciprocates, then goes home to her husband , nurturing the emotional affair for months . Slowly hiding their closeness, and then quickly straight up lying to protect it. But was it all so innocent ? If so then why were they sneaking around like high school lovers ? This man, who had recently been betrayed himself pursued a hurt married woman, luring her away from fidelity to her family . She left her husband, but for myriad of confusing unfocused reasons , none of which were her growing affections for another man, no, the relationship with him was a symptom of her long displeasure with the marriage . However months later. This man will not commit to her, why would he? She is married and high maintenance , going thru a divorce , and she’s ALREADY lavishing him with sex and attention . “Let’s just be friends” isn’t a noble claim, but an excuse to keep stringing her along . This man with no ambition who she has INFINITE patience for. Whom she gushes over in ways she never did for her husband . He will be content to have her when he is bored and lonely Or in need of emotional support, or sex. And she will give them to him regardless of commitment . She loves him , or at least the idea of who he could be . It’s so obvious to see others paths sometimes . Watching the generic play out it’s mundane outcome for the wide eyed girl and the man with no ambition . When a man doesn’t see a future with someone he may choose to remain lovers or be stuck figuring out how to end the romantic side of things . Sloth is not a virtue , it is a sin. Reading how she feels they will ALWAYS BE in each other’s lives and how his sloppy half assed best is good enough for now , makes me pause and think, where was this acceptance and patience for her husband ? The man she married and pledged an oath to grow old with . No, there is no redemption for him. “I tried” she shrugged , unaware of the irony of saying “I tried” while actively giving up. Setting fire to their lives like it was an infected blanket. Those around her advising caution and trying to point out the obvious . But SHE knows better than them all . In her mind she was queen and those who questioned her methods were expendable in her eyes . I was ALWAYS suspicious of her devotion , of the extent of her love . I would have nightmares of her cheating on me and laughing smugly as she left me , and THAT HAPPENED. When I would have such bad dreams she would comfort me “Were on the same team , remember ?” She would reassure me . “We will always be in each other’s lives , I love you.” Was any of that actually true? So much of what she said to me she now is re giving to this new man, this walking t shirt without a personality . I want to hate this man, for KNOWING better and still pursing a married woman, he who had recently been betrayed himself! Who KNOWS the pain he was helping to create . But I know my wife , I know it was SHE who led him on , lavished attention in his direction, attention that should have been given to her husband . Truth is I saw them hanging out together and did not feel threatened? THAT GUY? The one who my friends thought was a meth addict ? The dude with the double chin and goofy teeth ? The walking cardboard cut out of SOMEONE ELSE. But, I don’t hate him. I don’t even know him. I hope things work out for the blue eyed girl , and if the man with no ambition makes her happy than so be it . But something tells me he just doesn’t have the GUTS to tell her he sees NO future with her, doesn’t want to be with someone with kids and so much baggage and that they shouldn’t keep perpetuating something that SHE is clearly more invested in. But , no . He doesn’t . He will be content to lie in limbo , having sex with her and living in this fantasy world they have built where logic has no place . I hope I’m wrong, that he steps up and CLAIMS his prize . Or at least if I’m right I hope she sees it before she gets hurt . Either way , it would have been nice if she talked to her husband with such passion that she lavishes on the ambition-less man.

Trauma Processing: Unsent Letters

Some People will try to change the past . They willingly filter events to fit their narrative. Skewing subjectively away from unbiased recollection . Tragedy can be powerful . Transformational energy is at the same time destructive and creative . Past selfs must die in order for the newer and better to be born. Stale things must rot away to make a place for the newly bloomed . Much in this way ones perspective can be enhanced and opened objectively during the processing of such trauma . In current interactions I see clearly the seems of former missteps and flags rise from active mindfulness in caution, steering me to a brighter path. My tragedy has awakened myself . Things were not as I had perceived . I was in such a hurry , always , stifled and anxious . I was forever feeling judged and incomplete , unsatisfied with my path , and how I was miles from what I wanted to be . Even worse I didn’t know what that was. I grew bitter , I became the worst version of myself , stagnant and lazy , unappreciative and blind to the joys around me . Life teaches us lessons the way we need to learn them tho I suppose . I had firm believes that we’re shattered by my tragedy . These believes shaped my perception of my reality . Without them I fell apart , and in doing so was able to rebuild myself anew. Of The firm believes that I had been shattered the largest was that I married my soul mate . So clearly I see the day we met . The way you lavished attention on me, and slowly found more and more things you didn’t like and resented things about me that were essential to my being . We both pushed each other away. I think I subconsciously didn’t trust your sincerity, I felt when things got rough you would turn on me . I was half right when you seduced my best friend . He shares the blame , sure. Double betrayal . I grew then too. Not as much as now , but I realized my capacity for love and forgiveness. It surprised myself then as it did most people . I ignored my friends and family and owned up to the fact I wasn’t treating you well and forgave you. It was always lopsided tho, you never once owned up to the fact you pushed me away and treated me pound for pound as bad as I did to you. We got married and you held it against me I didn’t help plan more , I picked the venue and wasn’t against helping. I think you mistook my trusting your instincts and lack of planning sense as disinterest. The fact you still bring it up tells me as much. I’m glad we got married . I’m glad we had Max and Luna . I stood by you when your crazy friends tried to turn you against me and then abandoned you. I never liked the way you would get when you drank. I guess I now know that was the real you shining thru. You recently told me you never respected me . The entire time we were together you treated me as such . How do you think that makes someone feel ? I took a job I hated so you could be a stay at home mom with max . It fucked with me so much being yelled at everyday I got deeper and deeper into my depression. After Luna was born I snapped . I had to leave apple. I was emotionally spent and drained . I was in the lowest point of my life . I needed support and help . You resented me for that . Openly . How dare I “make” you go back to work . I tried . I tried to start my own business , you resented me for that too. How could I put you in such debt . But I owned up to my part . I had such an issue dealing with my emotions and the situation that I did not want that I became the worst version of myself . You would say something like “you are the worst thing that’s ever happened to me . You are poison , you are evil” and It would take me WEEKS to get over it . You could be confused why I didn’t want to touch you or be physical with you for stretches of time . Chalked it up to some issue of mine . I was often so hurt by you that I would cry myself to sleep replaying the cruelest things you’ve said to me . Most of which you wouldn’t even recollect if I would talk to you about it later. How could I feel intimate with someone who criticized me daily and who disrespected me at every turn? In hindsight with objective reasoning I see things as even . Fairly balanced . I see the wrong I did as clear as the wrong that was done on me . But you, you don’t see that. You see the past thru your filter . Focusing only on what you need to justify what you did. You harbored a crush for a new friend . Snuck away to spend time with him behind your husbands back . Had an affair . Lied about it . And are STILL with the guy. But to you it’s not that you fell for another man and cheated . No, the reason in your mind is that I had an anger problem. I once slapped our son and felt horrible about it for weeks . That I once bent your finger in anger to regret it instantly and to this day . You don’t recall the time you hit max , or the times you threw plates and other things at my head, the INSANITY that was falsely accusing me of molesting our son, the lying and cheating that you have done. You see only My actions, and only cherry picking the worst to justify your claim. You have to go further and further back to justify your reasons for what you did . Maybe it’s just because you stopped loving me . I feel bad for you . To be so short sighted . Your lessons will be expensive . As for me , I’ve learned the power I have to control how I react and respond to situations. I’ve owned up to what I was , and I give no weight to you thinking I am worse that the worst version of myself . Seeing me this way helps you justify what you did . You might not ever get to see things objectively and so your lessons will be expensive . Yes, my anger pushed me out of control and I got physical, twice. This was 3 years ago and my shame and reflection on those events and the countless times I got upset and yelled has kept me humble in my attempt to answer the question of WHAT NOW? If I am to truly grow to the heights of what I am capable I can’t ignore or deny the worst stains on my soul. May they always serve as reminders of my journey and how far I’ve come. Ive been changed thru this tragedy, and for that I am grateful, for I am truly better for it. Suffering changes you, like coal into a diamond, or diamond into dust. Its your call.

REED Chapter 1

REED Chapter 1 The swirling blue light appeared again, this time just after midnight. Reed knew to pay close attention to the contents revealed within the boundaries of its glow, for the image would only be visible for a short while and he could be woken at any moment by a bomb blast or the Sound of his dog Stridus playing with the farm equipment. The water again, lately the visions always showed water, this time what was shown looked more like the sands of a beach, rough waves crashed repetitively on the shores and the color of the water was as green and the leaves on the elder trees outside the shrine of mount Olerian that Reed used to climb as a child. Quickly now the image distorted and began to change into the face of an old man. Reed could sense this vision was from the past, he could always somehow know wether the images described the past or the present, rarely did he sense the future, and often confused it with what visions in the present felt like. The language that the man spoke invoked no messages to Reeds ears, the tongue, ancient and long forgotten sounded sweet to his ears, like the sound of the waves themselves, soothing and seemed to caress his ears. The image shifted to a library of old wood and stone , books and scrolls lined the walls and the pillars in the center were carved with craftsmanship Reed had never seen. The sound of a scream horrible but quiet now began to dominate his mind, the blue glow began to darken and the image of one scroll in particular , encased in glass and placed on a marble pedistool began to slowly consume the vision, it was calling to him. Closer and closer it slowly pulled at Reed and though he struggled he felt a gravity toward this scroll unlike any he had ever felt, the glow now almost darkness. He heard the scream louder and louder as he was pulled to the scroll, and as if from within his mind he heard his own voice speak "Find the Mage." Reed opened his eyes as his ears were met with the sound of the alarm. The attacks were becoming more frequent and he often wondered why he chose to live in the wilderness, in defiance of the Byro Nation. Most of the people lived in one of the five large city states on the continent , easier access to food rations and a sense of safety offered by the Byro Megacorp and its soldiers. Those like Reed who lived outside the system were subject to hoards of bandits and rouges who liked to attack the smaller villages for food and supplies. Likely a small band of rouges looking for food, he thought. The Byro rule has left many without work and if one refused enlisting in the Byro army there were few options for those who once thrived before the Byro invasion. It used to be different , He thought. He remembered stories his father had told him of what it used to be like. Officials were voted in by the community and served the public to create jobs and feed the citizens, technology was used to enhance life, not to distract the people. Bandit raids and farming were all Reed ever knew, his father taught him the trade, how to set up the electric barrier fences , how to plant and care for the seeds , the mysteries of the seasons and how to work with the land to survive. It was a small village of about 50 families, known as Rhoasia. located approximately 100 miles from the nearest city, the Capitol, Byro City. Some baked bread, some made clothing , some were watchers in the night, Reed was a farmer, his family had always been farmers and he was good at caring for the land. A part of him wanted to run after the alarm and help the older boys defend the village, he would practice with his sword when the work was done each evening and often fantasizes about the danger, but his duty was here, his mother and sister depended on him, his father was still in charge of the farm, but Reed knew as much of the business as him and the whole village relied on them for food, he couldn't risk being killed in a bandit raid , and besides Geord and Lucus would handle the invaders, his closet friends and members of the village guard, they were the toughest boys in the village and quiet good at defending the village. All he could do was wait inside until the coast was clear and think about the vision he had just received. The visions started when he was young , he was bid by his mother to tell no one of theses "dreams" and instead write them into a journal, dreams of this sort were not normal and he didn't want to attract any unwanted attention from the Byro army. The dreams always came true or showed him something from the past. As the sounds of the cannons and rail guns echoed in the night he scrawled his latest entry into the leather bound confessional, conforming his sights to poetic prose as to disguise it's meaning to any how may read its contents accidentally, he wondered if others shared his gift or if he was unique in the world, but above all else he wondered, who is the Mage? "What are you writing?" Asked Reeds younger sister Lily. Lily had just seen her seventh harvest and was as skilled with the gears and pullies of the farm machines as Reed was at 17, her face lit intermittently by the glow of the cannon fire, now becoming less frequent , she held a small candle as she walked closer to Reed. "Poetry.." Answered Reed, but Lily knew about Reeds leather book of poems. They were close since their mother nearly died of spring sickness a few harvests back, Reed had to journey into Byro city for supplies and medicine while Lily watched over the farm with their father, that was the only time he had seen a big city in real life, the photos never did justice to how big they were. Their mother and father were fast alseep, always up early to attend to the land, and all too comfortable with the sounds of the bandit hoards to stir from the cannon blasts. A shriek, the voice called out over the air and they knew something was wrong. "Stay here," Reed shouted pointing to his sister as he turned towards the mantle to retrieve his blade, part of him had waited for this day but he was no less frightened. The door was thrust open and his eyes met the night, bursts of light blinded his way and sounds of panic filled the air. Others were leaving their homes to see what was going on, tradesmen and younger boys like Reed were armed and all seemed to be heading towards the western watch tower.

Water Magic

Water Magic Energy can effect the state of water . This has been proven through extensive experimentation . Humans are made of mostly water and are largely unaware of how much energy is wasted by the expelling of raw emotional energy. Being mindful is especially needed to hone the arts of water magic . Your positive and negative emotions have a ripple effect and can impact the moods and behaviors of others. Most have an unmindful Mind that does not attempt conserving and redirecting this powerful energy. Negative energy is so jarring to us that when we experience it we want naturally to expel it immediately to return our state to as neutral as possible quickly . This is usually an exclamation or insult toward the thing or person viewed as the causal point of the negativity. In truth this darkness only harms us when we attempt to get rid of it , instead of embracing it . Our minds will neutralize it and turn it into pure energy if one stays calm, removes oneself from the situation if needed , and in some cases meditation to sweeten the foul energy. This process is called SOLIS ORTUS or sunrise in Latin for the way the dark energy is turned into light through psychic influence. One may feel justified at times to FEEL offended or anger . If the situation is not life or death this is usually not the case. Even if one feels slighted , condescended to or otherwise insulted , consider this is someone Else dealing with negative energies of their own and they may connect experiences with you as a causal point for the energy’s origin and focus it on you. In these situations consider when feelings get heightened to first let the other person say all they have to say Being understood is not nearly as important as understanding someone else by listening If asked for clarification of your take on the events make sure to state these things are not facts but only your perception of the events and do not discount the reasoning of the other , even if you feel it incorrect . These details are not important and do not meet the flow of the day. Ride the flow of the day . Do not stop to dispute or get hung up by snags on the way . Let the flow of the day carry you. Happiness will find you there . Consider how expelled emotion through audio or visual cues in mannerisms or tone and the consequences of positive or negative emotions being intercepted . Conceal then that which is considered to have negative consequences or those emotions that do not ride the flow of the day . Consider these as snags that are not worth your time as they do not ride with the flow of the day. Consider even plans will succumb to the flow of the day as all things do , wether one fights them or rides them . One can only cause negative reactions by fighting this flow . And one can only gain opportunity by reacting positively or constructively to the situation . Do not complain.even when wrongs are being done to you. And especially from those closest to you , and those who hurt you the most. Consider the children in all things . Serve and guide them well . Be well and strong , educated and wise. Consider that all is temporary . Especially the flow of the day when you observe it as negative. The flow of the day will lead to a new day and all things may change with time. The chapters in life seem infinite until they have changed to another chapter. Be observant to the uniqueness of your life as it is now. Be grateful for it and know also that it will change.