Trauma Processing: Unsent Letters

Some People will try to change the past . They willingly filter events to fit their narrative. Skewing subjectively away from unbiased recollection . Tragedy can be powerful . Transformational energy is at the same time destructive and creative . Past selfs must die in order for the newer and better to be born. Stale things must rot away to make a place for the newly bloomed . Much in this way ones perspective can be enhanced and opened objectively during the processing of such trauma . In current interactions I see clearly the seems of former missteps and flags rise from active mindfulness in caution, steering me to a brighter path. My tragedy has awakened myself . Things were not as I had perceived . I was in such a hurry , always , stifled and anxious . I was forever feeling judged and incomplete , unsatisfied with my path , and how I was miles from what I wanted to be . Even worse I didn’t know what that was. I grew bitter , I became the worst version of myself , stagnant and lazy , unappreciative and blind to the joys around me . Life teaches us lessons the way we need to learn them tho I suppose . I had firm believes that we’re shattered by my tragedy . These believes shaped my perception of my reality . Without them I fell apart , and in doing so was able to rebuild myself anew. Of The firm believes that I had been shattered the largest was that I married my soul mate . So clearly I see the day we met . The way you lavished attention on me, and slowly found more and more things you didn’t like and resented things about me that were essential to my being . We both pushed each other away. I think I subconsciously didn’t trust your sincerity, I felt when things got rough you would turn on me . I was half right when you seduced my best friend . He shares the blame , sure. Double betrayal . I grew then too. Not as much as now , but I realized my capacity for love and forgiveness. It surprised myself then as it did most people . I ignored my friends and family and owned up to the fact I wasn’t treating you well and forgave you. It was always lopsided tho, you never once owned up to the fact you pushed me away and treated me pound for pound as bad as I did to you. We got married and you held it against me I didn’t help plan more , I picked the venue and wasn’t against helping. I think you mistook my trusting your instincts and lack of planning sense as disinterest. The fact you still bring it up tells me as much. I’m glad we got married . I’m glad we had Max and Luna . I stood by you when your crazy friends tried to turn you against me and then abandoned you. I never liked the way you would get when you drank. I guess I now know that was the real you shining thru. You recently told me you never respected me . The entire time we were together you treated me as such . How do you think that makes someone feel ? I took a job I hated so you could be a stay at home mom with max . It fucked with me so much being yelled at everyday I got deeper and deeper into my depression. After Luna was born I snapped . I had to leave apple. I was emotionally spent and drained . I was in the lowest point of my life . I needed support and help . You resented me for that . Openly . How dare I “make” you go back to work . I tried . I tried to start my own business , you resented me for that too. How could I put you in such debt . But I owned up to my part . I had such an issue dealing with my emotions and the situation that I did not want that I became the worst version of myself . You would say something like “you are the worst thing that’s ever happened to me . You are poison , you are evil” and It would take me WEEKS to get over it . You could be confused why I didn’t want to touch you or be physical with you for stretches of time . Chalked it up to some issue of mine . I was often so hurt by you that I would cry myself to sleep replaying the cruelest things you’ve said to me . Most of which you wouldn’t even recollect if I would talk to you about it later. How could I feel intimate with someone who criticized me daily and who disrespected me at every turn? In hindsight with objective reasoning I see things as even . Fairly balanced . I see the wrong I did as clear as the wrong that was done on me . But you, you don’t see that. You see the past thru your filter . Focusing only on what you need to justify what you did. You harbored a crush for a new friend . Snuck away to spend time with him behind your husbands back . Had an affair . Lied about it . And are STILL with the guy. But to you it’s not that you fell for another man and cheated . No, the reason in your mind is that I had an anger problem. I once slapped our son and felt horrible about it for weeks . That I once bent your finger in anger to regret it instantly and to this day . You don’t recall the time you hit max , or the times you threw plates and other things at my head, the INSANITY that was falsely accusing me of molesting our son, the lying and cheating that you have done. You see only My actions, and only cherry picking the worst to justify your claim. You have to go further and further back to justify your reasons for what you did . Maybe it’s just because you stopped loving me . I feel bad for you . To be so short sighted . Your lessons will be expensive . As for me , I’ve learned the power I have to control how I react and respond to situations. I’ve owned up to what I was , and I give no weight to you thinking I am worse that the worst version of myself . Seeing me this way helps you justify what you did . You might not ever get to see things objectively and so your lessons will be expensive . Yes, my anger pushed me out of control and I got physical, twice. This was 3 years ago and my shame and reflection on those events and the countless times I got upset and yelled has kept me humble in my attempt to answer the question of WHAT NOW? If I am to truly grow to the heights of what I am capable I can’t ignore or deny the worst stains on my soul. May they always serve as reminders of my journey and how far I’ve come. Ive been changed thru this tragedy, and for that I am grateful, for I am truly better for it. Suffering changes you, like coal into a diamond, or diamond into dust. Its your call.